and so on and so forth… –week 24.5 (day 172)
In theory, around week 26 (half way through one year), one will be at around 80% of what they will achieve at full recovery. Or so said the articles I once read..
Like many things throughout this, i flat out don’t accept that. If I did, i would be unbearably depressed…But I don’t, so..i feel fine.
I have made progress – even since my last post. But progress or not, that this would be 80%…that would sink me.
Anyway, a status report of sorts..
I’m still the girl at the gym with crutches…or now, the girl with the cane…But I’ve been there enough – and been there with the assisted device enough that I’m no longer approached by much of anyone. There is the occasional person that says something..And one guy that asks what happened pretty much every time he sees me. Overall though, I’m left alone..And I can’t say I mind one bit.
That said, similar to purple hair, there is something noticeable and different about a cane. It has reached the point for me where it is almost part of me – the same way I adjusted to putting on shoes from the moment I woke..Or the way I wear clothes most everywhere I go..My cane is just part of the process…
I have however noticed that there aren’t many people my age who use a cane. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one before..And, there aren’t many people of most ages that use one..Particularly below…70.
As a result, people get the door for me..In general are kinder – if I’m in someone’s way (which is pretty much inevitable given my speed of movement), in general, others tend toward the ‘no, no..take your time’…Or they apologize for getting in my way..
In fact, my 110% non-empirical research shows that people are in fact kinder to someone with a cane than they are to someone with a crutch. Even when that crutch also includes a boot.
Perhaps the latter points to injury and while people can relate to injury, they also have a ‘get over it’ attitude toward it..Whereas a cane points more to a state of being which creates more empathy? Or perhaps my sampling was significantly impacted by the weather of the day and is thus completely worthless..Who knows. Either way, so far..People are nice.. And there are no awkward reactions that those in a wheelchair get..
Some people offer to help..Some don’t..Either way, I’m good.
The biggest change that I do love though – No one (except the guy in the gym) asks what happened anymore. Again, apparently, cane points to state of being..thus that question breaches the line of asking about a genetic defect – so people either just don’t ask, or don’t even wonder. In reality, i think it’s more of the latter as unlike the people who would watch me with a boot/crutches and you could feel that they wanted to say something..Now..nothing..I’m just part of the scenery..Plus cane.
But, that’s not much of a status update, so..carrying on..
I’m at the point where I’m sick to death of my foot. I now avoid interactions with neighbors and some friends as I don’t want to talk about my foot..The mere question about it makes me intensely irritable at times..I want nothing to do with any of it anymore..i just want to be part of the scenery again. So, that’s a bit of a struggle.
Meanwhile, I still go to the pain clinic every week – and inevitably the how’s the foot is going to be part of every appointment..After all, it’s why I’m there..Thus more and more I’m thinking of taking a week or two off from there..Either way though, some appointments are worse than others.
So..here I sit..writing about..my foot…But, I feel like i should as I have made some progress..So, on to that:
I wrote before about what seemed to be the block wearing off. The midfoot pain that essentially vanished post-block #3 returned. Thus I was afraid that I’d be back to ground zero..and of course need more blocks.
Wisely though, my doctor held off on another one just yet and – the pain ended up plateauing. Thus it is worse than it was two weeks ago – BUT it never got as bad as it was two months ago. There is a chance that part of the block wore off – while part is still working..and the drop could continue. But, it is also quite plausible that the block simply wore off – and this is where I’m at.
The latter concept greatly lifted my spirits – after all, as mentioned, i felt like I was putting in so very much effort for an inchworm of change. But with this – if the block is now done, and this is where I’m at – that shows immense improvement as a result of the work and nothing more.
Anyway, despite the increase, the pain isn’t that bad. At times it hits a 7/10 when walking. But it never hits knee-buckling levels and..it also has still been at points of a 3-4…
Often it’s in between..ranging from 4-6..Which definitely limits my walking..particularly the duration of it since if the pain is to hit the higher numbers, it most often does the longer i walk..
So – not wonderful. But compared to what was..and again – with the thought that this is no longer a ‘block’ level..that gives me hope.
Part two – and this is huge for me – I have been able to walk – very, very slowly – with NO assistance. I now spend about 10minutes on the treadmill at about .8mph with no assistance, while walking heel-toe..relatively normal.
Any slower or faster and it’s all over. But – the fact that I can do this – at any speed – is phenomenal. And something I can can add on to.
This is the first time since surgery that I have been able to walk heel-toe without assistance. And, in fact, is the first time I’ve been able to walk normally at any speed without any assistance (including a brace) for many months before.. In other words – as much as things may seem crappy from time to time, i am pretty solid in the concept that my greatest fear was that I would end up worse post-op than when i went in..And that didn’t happen.
Had I not had surgery, i would have had very limited walking..would have had to use aids to walk..And would have had pain during most walking (albeit at often lower levels and a smaller area in pain). So, the pain itself…that one may well be worse – or have the potential to be..But the overall functionality..I lost nothing by having surgery.
Thus, despite everything that is going on now..despite the continued issues with pain..knowing what i did about why I had surgery..and knowing where I’m at now..If I had to do it over again, I would.
I’m not at the ideal point – but in reality, i wasn’t at the ideal point as soon as my tendon began to go..Thus it isn’t so much an ‘oh, I was messed up by surgery’..I had surgery for a reason. And right now, things kind of stink. BUt they would have as well even without surgery. I now have a chance of walking – unassisted – in the future – with minimal pain. I had no such chance without surgery.
As much as i haven’t spent my time enmeshed in regret, it is still nice to reach the point of realization …the point of decision that if I had to push the redo button..i stand by the choice I made the first round.
Anyway…I continue to use the treadmill every day…try to break up scar tissue..no longer do mirror therapy as it reached points where I couldn’t deny that I was having mirror pain and the last thing in the world I want to do is potentially further any cerebral connection between the two limbs..still take omega 3s (for generic inflammation), NAC, magnesium..
Insurance finally allowed Lyrica..I tried it and it made me want to pass out..yay..get in bed, ready to sleeeep…and then my brain wouldn’t stop..thus little sleep (and the little sleep i did get was filled of incredibly vivid dreams)..The next day, my brain eventually went back to shutting up (though most of the day I was HUNGRY)…that night, happened all over again…the next day, my brain stayed more active (and HUNGRY)..and so on..So..that’s not going to work.
I can’t take it in the day as it makes me zonk – but I can’t take it at night as I can’t sleep.
I talked to the doctor and agreed to try it a second round. Though, as I told him, i have little patience for the side effects – even if they ended up being short term..at this point, i just don’t see its potential to help as strong enough to outweigh the constant cerebral interference. So, I will try – but i don’t hold a lot of hope for it..And, won’t be giving it any heroic effort.
This however is quite telling of where I’m at. A few months ago, i would have given it more of an effort. Before the blocks, when i couldn’t walk as I can now..I would have tried to put up with it for longer. Desperately hoping to get any ounce of benefit out of it. Now however, I do feel the changes ahead of me to be aggravatingly slow..and the work to be immensely tedious. But I feel like I’m at the point where the big changes that a drug might provide have come and gone and now it’s for me to get through the rest.
Granted, with minimal or no side effects I’d undoubtedly take the extra assistance a drug might provide. But as that is not the case, an ounce of cure traded for a pound of different pain..Not worth it.
Meanwhile, I stopped the gabapentin to try the Lyrica..and a few days after, my mood began to brighten. At first, I thought that it might be the Lyrica ‘euphoria’ side effect..But I stopped the Lyrica after a very short trial..and I still feel loads better.
So, it seems that I quite possibly was unknowingly was getting dragged down by the gabapentin. When I started it, I knew that it made me kind of meh…But I thought that had worn off and the drug was no longer impacting me. Now, I’m not so sure. And, now, I don’t want to go back to it just yet as I like having brighter spirits..
Granted in time, i probably will go back to it – if for no other reason than to test it. But, for now, i’m taking a break from it as well.
i can definitely feel the pain increase from the lack of drugs – but given how much better things are then they were, overall, it’s quite dealable – and dealable enough to make me willing to stay off the drug in order to gain some mental clarity again. Meanwhile, I really do think the NAC and particularly the magnesium, have helped.
..i’m also doing heat desensitization and general foot desensitization..the lateral spot still has issues (which seemed to increase around the time that the midfoot pain increased), but they’re still way better than two months ago. i’ve also been using a plantar fascitis heel stretcher to attempt to do a passive stretch of my achilles.
All that said, perhaps the biggest change has been my mental shift..
As written, I was approaching this as an acute issue. Post-op…find the fix and resolve it.
It has reached the point though where, for whatever reason…my approach kind of went through its own natural progression from acute to chronic. Each change in the process perpetuated the future ones as it became more and more apparent that while the acute approach makes perfect sense and is extremely beneficial – to acute issues – it no longer applies here. And in fact was becoming more detrimental than helpful.
So, without any conscious effort, my brain has shifted its perception of and approach toward the situation to one of a chronic issue. And with that, came acceptance of the situation.
Thus the pain is no longer something to actively try to eliminate..it is now..part of how it is. And yes, at times..that sucks…but..it also…in the state of chronic, it is there – and no matter how much it sucks, it’s not leaving..And fighting it..apporaching it as one would with acute situations – ends up putting energy and struggles toward that which won’t change – while that energy could instead be used beneficially toward carrying on.
Meanwhile, just the simple pain perception shifts..in acute, my spontaneous response to a nerve pain spike is one of wanting it gone..aggravated..irritated..negative…Whereas chronic..it happens and it’s more ‘there’s my foot doing it’s pain thing again’..
The shift doesn’t really make a 6 or 7 feel better – they’re still a 6 or 7. BUT – the contrary is that the battle against it..the acute approach – that turns a 6/7 into a 7/8.
And, none of this is to say that I’m all ladeedah about what is going on. Earlier today, I was trying to walk the dogs during lunch and my midfoot was seizing up as it hadn’t moved much yet during the day – so it had the arthritic seizing plus the pain…combined into a solid 7…And my brain starts going with ‘why am I bothering doing this? yeah, great, i keep going and the arthritic seizing will ease..but then i just have this giant chunk of pain…or i could just stop walking and not have to deal with either..’
So – no – I’m not in ladeedah land..and I still get frustrated and have internal struggles over trying to push myself to continue despite the pain versus just wanting to stop because why ‘push’ to do anything that’s just going to hurt? It hurts..stop..go home and just be done with it..
Definite internal battles still exist..but there has been a baseline approach shift. And with that, a lot of battles have ceased..a lot of the feeling trapped/stuck in this state has diminished..the cane has become a part of me..and I do and will have to push myself to go to the grocery store – when my natural inclination is to not bother..not even try to walk through it..it hurts..i’m tired of hurting..done with hurting..if i don’t HAVE to do something painful, i’m done pushing through it..I now avoid walking the dogs, instead resorting to throwing the ball..I avoid walking into any store that has a drive through..
I used to love love love walking. I found pleasure in it..the motion..the scenery..or at the very least, the lack of stagnation. Now however, many times it falls into this pool of pushing through the pain to keep doing it for the sake of doing it..because i don’t enjoy it at all any more. And that, in turn, leads me down the path of avoidance.
In my heart, i know why I push – I want what I once had. And I do believe that if I want to get that, the absolutely worst thing I can do is become immobile. That not only guarantees I won’t be walking as I once did- and never again will enjoy it – but that my sensitivity will increase..My pain will increase..The respite of sitting on the couch will begin to lose its protection as the pain will begin to once again encroach upon all states of being – including fully no-weight-bearing resting…
So I do it because I know that if I don’t, i will rapidly decline. But just because i know that doesn’t make the temptation to give in..give up..stop pushing…any less.
I have a lot of issues that have increased..a lot of avoidance going on..And a lot that I need to address and work through..But a part has shifted – a part that is no longer waiting for the pain to leave so i can get on with my life.
It’s now time for me to get on with my life. To start trying, inch by inch, to go to the fields and walk..
I just have to take the pain with me.
updates..
i just added some photos: https://pttdfootsurgery.wordpress.com/photos/
Exciting, I know 🙂
more yays –day44
A few yays actually.
Yay #1 – the weird red patch has almost totally disappeared. It now only exists along the sural nerve path on the lateral part of my foot – which is the ‘new’ part of the patch that showed up post-new cast…But the main chunk of the patch is somehow gone..Which is very weird as it was very present 1.5 days ago (and for the prior two times I got to see my foot without a cast)…it wasn’t that my whole foot was reddish – it was a very distinct and specific area of which only changed in the last week or two by expanding its territory and prior to the last week, it waned between splotchy and solid red…But there wasn’t a moment I looked at the top of my foot by my toes in which it wasn’t there anymore..And now..gone…as if it never existed.
My whole foot is still a bit darker than my the other (again, yes, while elevated), and there still is the remainder of the patch on the side of my foot, but woohoo…the fact that most of it outright vanished definitely seems like a great sign to me..
#2 yay – I got to bike today. With two feet…I had to hold onto a crutch for balance as I’m not fully using one foot and didn’t want to hunch over the handlebars for 40min, but I was able to use both feet and didn’t have to spend 10minutes taping a crutch onto a pedal..
My foot did start screaming a few times during it…Pretty fiercely…once in one of its upset nerve spots (where the red splotch still exists), a few times around the tendon, a few times (less fiercely) the gastroc complained, and a few minor complaints from the heel..but, again, I being me, ignored and kept going..and the pain went away..granted it was followed soon after by a new pain, but I did have points in between where it wasn’t really complaining at all…And, though it heated up really bad twice, both times, it self-resolved.
I have no idea how my foot will feel in a few hours, and it of course isn’t that happy with me at the moment, but that I was able to do that again and that the heat self-resolved and the super-pains subsided on their own..it made me quite happy.
Yay#3 – I have an appointment for my first PT appointment on Wednesday.
Yay#4 – As mentioned, I feared getting the boot – feared that the moving might upset my foot as it seemed getting the cast was one of the triggers for a prior nerve flare. So far though, it doesn’t seem to have made anything worse…thus I wonder if instead of the flare being fed by the physical manipulation that occurred while being put in a cast, it was from the constriction/immobility of a cast.
Yay#5 – I get to take a shower soon and massage my foot and get things loosened up even more..I’ve been looking forward to it all day.
the clock is ticking
I still have a pile to get done…but taking a break for a moment..
today has been quite a rollercoaster. I cried several times. I ended up making a will as..you never know and it’s always a good idea to have one..cried during that..cried a few other times…points of being horribly overwhelmed and then completely calm. And now, I’m exhausted.
Unfortunately, as mentioned, I still have a pile to do, so even if i could sleep…it’s not happening for a while.
I still have to say goodbye to my monkey toes. Granted if I always wear shoes now, I shan’t be monkey-toe-picking up everything any more anyway. But still..I always liked my monkey toes.
Still have to scrub my leg/foot/clip my nails and put on clean socks..
Still have to set up my ‘incapacitated drawers’ that i’ll have nearby with a lot of my stuff in them during recovery. Have to finish cleaning, etc etc.
Anyway, it has definitely been a long day.
I talked to my friend who will be animal sitting and while talking, she mentioned something that really struck me. She pointed out that if I don’t do it now, not only am I facing a triple fusion, but I’m destroying my knees/hips..the structural defect means the whole house collapses in the end. And it hit me – I know it is true as my knees, which were never happy, have been complaining more and more. When I walk, my whole body twists….In other words, it is just a matter of time before I wear out other joints while putting off getting this one fixed.
So it was kind of a perspective shift – instead of looking at it as what I am losing/what I know I’m losing and what I may be losing…look at it as what I am saving/what I am preventing. As much as I don’t like the idea of any of this…how would I like to add on a knee reconstruction? Perhaps two knees?
This is reality. And this reality, sucks. But it is here. And with it, I have this issue…and to fix it, I have to get surgery. The surgery may result in my losing some things (of which – I’m not running anymore without surgery anyway..haven’t run in almost a year as it is), and I don’t have a say in that. But I do have a say in just how much is lost. And if I delay and delay and delay, I’m going to destroy a whole lot more than just my foot. So, I need to face it remembering that…Remembering that okay, I’m not doing this to ‘save’ my foot or so I can run again…I’m doing it to save my knees; my hips; my potential to hike some miles and bike yet more – even if I can no longer do what I once did..If I don’t do this soon, I am simply guaranteeing that I will never be able to do what I once did.
In other words, the surgery is a hope. A chance. And, more importantly to my mind, it is helping keep my knees as-is. Keep me able to bike happily (which even right now is a bit complaint filled). It is allowing me to keep something..or I can hold off. Limit my mobility to often pain laden walks of a few blocks here and there..occasionally push it beyond that and Pay for it after..for the rest of my life. That’s it. No more hikes. No more tromping for miles..That’s it. Without surgery, even with a brace, that’s it.. That’s all i get. So it’s a chance to get back something..and avoid the impending, spreading damage.
Of course I like this thought one moment and the next I say ‘well, that’s assuming it works and I don’t have nerve problems/crps/an odd gait that will mess with my knees etc etc etc…I really need to get those other thoughts to shut up. I really do.
anyway, I’m exhausted and have a pile to do so, I guess I shall sign off…hospital sign in at 5.30am. surgery at 7.30am.
With the endless onslaught of mixed emotions, it’s time to say goodbye to my monkey-toes..
still daunting
I woke a few times last night and while doubts began to pour through my head. I started replaying the last meeting I had with surgeon#2 and things that didn’t sit 100% with me…the fact that when I asked him about the surgery alternative study, his reply was that once the ankle has rolled, it’s too late – when in fact, the whole emphapsis of the study I brought up was that unless your tendon is in fact torn, it’s not. That you can regain some from a stretched tendon – thus stage I *and* II people were helped…
And, I started going on about how based on his reply, it seems he didn’t know about the study. and shouldn’t he be keeping up on such things? And if he isn’t, then maybe he doesn’t know as much about PTTD as I thought…etc etc etc etc etc etc
I tried to kick them out of my head as..a little late for such things. But, they did hold some strength as the only point in which it is too late is once the cutting begins..
It’s all I can do to not call everyone and cancel.
And then I have waves of – what’s the big deal? people go through such things every day…yeah, you get cut up…and recovery will suck..but then you’ll be back and actually able to hike again..
Which is sometimes followed by feelings of strength or relaxed optimism…right now though, even such thoughts are followed by my wanting to crawl into bed and hide.
too much
I take it back, i’m not calm at all. i’m just beyond overwhelmed.
I’m continuing on…trying to clean the house, get things organized for post-incapacitation, etc…but I’m anything but calm. My stomach has been emptying its contents pretty much the second anything hits it – which is okay as I have absolutely *no* appetite anyway…And the rest of me…I’m on autopilot. The slow, detached autopilot; like that that occurs in the moments before a car crash. You see it coming and there’s nothing you can do. The world keeps going and you go with it..but it’s not motion with intention..it’s merely motion. Automation.
Meanwhile, as if to add to the pile, my dog with the neurological problems that was considered okay enough for me to proceed with my surgery…She just started having the dribbles again – which was one the symptoms of her neurological issues..She hasn’t had them for quite a while, so their sudden reappearance is anything but comforting.
It’s all I can do to not cry right now..But even that, I do believe, would just be an empty, automated act.
closing in
Last night and the night before I slept quite well…I actually slept in a fair amount. This is likely due to avoidance of the thousand pre-surgery things on my to-do list…as well as, being awake means there is the background presence of the impending surgery. And, of course, though it is illogical, there is some concept in me that says that once i get up, the day starts…the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends..the sooner it ends, the sooner comes surgery.
Overall though, I’m far more calm about it than i have been throughout other times in the process. That of course might change come Wednesday, but for now…that’s how it is.
I think surgeon#3 put the solidified decision in my head. I still have a few doubts here and there, but the simple question is – okay – say #2 is wrong and a sliding osteotomy isn’t enough, that means a hip wedge..to which my insides reply “NOOOOOO” so..okay …then shut it..
And the same goes for the well what if I could do this or that to postpone it? What if I could try this or that…all of those thoughts have dissipated as seeing #3 made the wedge Very real and not a vague, distant threat.
So, though seeing him didn’t convince me of getting the wedge, it did solidify that I have to get surgery. I have to get bones cut, tendons moved, and muscles sliced. And, if I don’t do it now, I will be getting the hip wedge. So if I don’t want that…time to get going..
Internal arguments aside, there still is the sorrow about it all. I love my foot; more than I ever knew. It was always my good foot..my normal foot..my non-mangled foot. And though I can’t walk far or do much, I can still do something…thus there is still the lingering sorrow – though I am doing this with the strong hope that this will fix me and make me mobile again, I suppose there is a thought/fear/whatever that it might not. There are risks…and I might be saying goodbye to my mobility as i know it and not exchanging it for the better.
Overall though, i think the sorrow is just that I’m saying goodbye to my foot as I know it. As all surgeons have agreed – my foot will never be the same; how could it? so I guess there’s this..bye little foot..you treated me well…wish i had done the same for you.
Which yes, that sounds kind of silly…and perhaps it is. I think it goes beyond the sorrow for my foot..and it’s more what that represents..I know this foot. I know what it can, or rather could do. Miles and miles of hikes were fine and dandy…Foot v2.0 …who knows…so I think part of the internal stirring is that when bone saws cut, there is no turning back. I may never again have the mobility that my original foot provided…There are some things I already know i won’t have such as running a marathon or triathalon. So, I suppose that a little part of me has this hope that says “Well, as long as I haven’t yet had the surgery, there’s still a chance my foot could get better”. And with that, I could have everything I used to; but once the surgery happens..there’s no turning back…even with a spectacular, perfect outcome…I will lose some of what I once had…
So perhaps, it is simply the sorrow of losing that hope. The hope that said that maybe, just maybe, I could still have what I did..maybe I could still go back to that..The hope that will be silenced when I lay on the table and the scalpel begins…It’s a loss of the hope and what it held on to..
waves..
I’ve been switching back and forth between waves of my stomach clenching and waves of being completely at peace with this. I slept phenomenally well last night…I think that now that it is more official, though that concept makes my stomach a bit more uneasy, there are fewer ‘what if’ arguments and doubts in my head as..I picked the path. I know why I picked the one I did and am relatively okay with it. And I can’t control anything beyond that.
Any doubts/what ifs/whatever are exclusively detrimental at this point; so if any attempt to rise, I automatically dismiss them. For the most part though, it seems my brain has accepted the ‘what will be will be’ and has thus ceased in raising its concerns.
Anyway, now that the decision is made, the ball is rolling..and thus it’s almost as if I’ve reached the point of surgery – the point where this is ‘over’ and I can now collapse. I surely slept last night as if I had..
pre-op
Well, I had the pre-op.
It basically consisted of me seeing the surgeon. He reviewed the list of procedures and where he’d be cutting. I got to ask questions and had to sign something saying that if I couldn’t give my consent, they could do what they felt was in my best interest.
In retrospect, I was a bit thrown as no vitals were taken..I do believe they took my blood pressure at my first appointment, so they have a 1mo old blood pressure. And other than that…I’m not sure what they’re using to determine I’m cleared for anesthesia?? Maybe this is normal? I’ve never had surgery so I have no idea. But I did expect..something more.
That said, he said he thought I could get away with just the sliding osteotomy. He had me stand, facing him – and of course when I did, for that moment, my foot went straight instead of duck-footed…had he had me take a few steps, that would have changed. He looked down and said it was fine – and that my other foot has nearly no arch too, so using that as a guide…
which I should have said something about but instead I just agreed – it has almost no arch.
The problem is – its posterior tibial tendon has also been complaining more and more. And, far more relevant – I mangled it years ago…it is, for all intents and purposes, deformed. And, though it too has flattened more in recent years, since the mangling, it has always been a chunk flatter than my right foot.
In other words – as I mentioned in my first appointment, it is definitely not a foot to be using for a comparison.
So, that was his assessment – based on a moment I stood funny and a foot that is mangled..But is he right? I have no idea.
I told him what the other doctor had said and his reply seemed to imply (albeit in a very professional way of phrasing it) that the other doctor does more of a cookie cutter process that means that whoever you are, you will end up with the same procedure. Whereas he tries to personalize based on what you truly need.
Is this true? I have no idea. The other guy did sing the praises of the All American Procedure. But, he also showed me why my foot needed it – including the duck foot angle that would be fixed.
Surgeon#2 also said that he thought that sometimes doctors (in general) have been focusing on creating too much of an arch. And that can cause patients as many issues as too little.
I told him that my perception – as a very non-orthopedic-person – is that if i had to pick one, i’d rather be undercorrected. But of course I’d most rather have one surgery that does what i need and be done with it.
i asked what happens if it is undercorrected (thinking that the answer would be something like ‘mild pain here and there’)..he replied that if it ends up that it has undercorrected, the procedure would have failed. What that means beyond that, i’m not sure. Perhaps that you have to undergo round 2? I don’t know..
Anyway, the appointment left me hit with a diverse range of emotions. On the one hand – yay, he thinks i don’t need the lengthening. On the other, the doubts, and the ‘is he right??’…(which is a question i will kill myself with as there is no way anyone could ever know the answer)…And the fact that if I then go through with him doing this, I’m getting chopped up next week. And, as I do believe I’ll be going through with it, and having him do it, that leaves the emotions related to next week…
I wrote before that I had come to terms with this and had reached a point of acceptance. I have. But, as I realized today, in many ways, that acceptance..that point..it’s mostly a logical/left-brained one. My right-brain/emotions..they aren’t as fully on board as the logic part is.
Granted, the latter part of me needed to come to terms with it. If I don’t understand it on a technical level, I will forever have arguments and worries running through my head – which will then feed endless emotional upheavels.
In order to go through with this, that part of me had to really understand what was going on and why…and I had to come to terms with and acceptance of the risks.
So that part of me is at the point of acceptance. But the other part…well…perhaps acceptance is not the antonym of sadness and thus one can have both at once? I don’t know. But the other part still sways through emotions – which I figured would have ceased once I was ‘okay’ with what would happen.
In part, I just have waves of depression…perhaps over the loss of my foot as I used to know it? The loss of any real running ever again? I’m not sure…Whatever the reason, the waves pass over me; interwoven with waves of feeling intensely overwhelmed and unsure what to do with any of this.
I then wonder how others deal and perhaps they simply have better life-coping skills as it seems others often don’t have to ‘do’ anything with what comes up; they just naturally deal with it.
Ironically (or perhaps just unfortunately), though I have moved beyond the fears of the risks and what could happen/go wrong, and have a full understanding of everything they will be doing, I still find myself having to take deep breaths over and over. When asking myself what it is I’m afraid of/what has me worried, the best answer I have is – the unknown…After all this time I spent coming to terms with all of it and learning about all of it, I find myself no longer afraid of the potential risks, but instead, simply afraid of the unknown.
more metal testing
A mild tangent from the impending pre-op…for the fun of it, I did a skin test with the titanium disk they sent.
When I talked to the assistant the first time, she said that even the titanium they use isn’t pure…thus I was asking about a sample of the titanium to test. Were it pure, I actually would have assumed it fine.
Anyway, I got the sample (and the second time I talked to her, the assistant said she never said that, but when trying to get her to confirm that what they use is in fact pure then, the subject was rerouted..so I have no idea); the sample was a pure titanium disk..
I did a skin test with it which didn’t itch/bother me in the slightest. As far as my arm is concerned, I might as well have done a skin test with a cotton t-shirt… Meanwhile, two weeks out and I still have a line and a dot from where I did the skin test with the steel screw. (And a mark from where I scratched 🙂 )
A while back I said that I didn’t understand why they don’t ask more about metal allergies/aren’t more active/insistent on testing themselves – Before surgery..given what can happen after the stuff is in you. I found out from the allergist that in reality, there is no way to know for sure what it will do inside of you. You may respond via skin test and it may actually be okay while inside. Or the converse may be true. She said you can also have some parts of your body respond heavily to the test and others not so much.
She gave the example of some kids she sees that get rashes and clear allergic signs on their face from the food that they smear across themselves while eating – but they have no actual allergic response/issue to the actual consumption of the food. In other words, an example of someone whose skin responds but their guts don’t.
Odd.
Despite that though i still think that it should be mentioned more/actively tested for. Yes, you can’t guarantee one way or the other based on a skin test. But you can drastically reduce the odds of a serious problem by performing them. And, if using her example, one’s skin reacted but their guts didn’t, so you ended up using titanium instead…oh well. It’s by far worth it.
In reality, I don’t even understand why i had to spend the extra time & money to do allergy testing on the screw. I knew I had metal issues…asked for titanium instead..and it was a giant issue – had to test the screw first. Then test the titanium.
I even offered to pay the difference (assuming it wasn’t huge) if insurance wouldn’t so we could just cut the issue and use titanium. I figured the cost wouldn’t be anything more than what I had to pay to see the allergist for testing..but no…
sigh.
(If however, your skin doesn’t react but your guts do,.well..apparently there’s no real way to avoid that.)
pttd surgery 