the clock is ticking

I still have a pile to get done…but taking a break for a moment..

today has been quite a rollercoaster. I cried several times. I ended up making a will as..you never know and it’s always a good idea to have one..cried during that..cried a few other times…points of being horribly overwhelmed and then completely calm. And now, I’m exhausted.

Unfortunately, as mentioned, I still have a pile to do, so even if i could sleep…it’s not happening for a while.

I still have to say goodbye to my monkey toes. Granted if I always wear shoes now, I shan’t be monkey-toe-picking up everything any more anyway. But still..I always liked my monkey toes.

Still have to scrub my leg/foot/clip my nails and put on clean socks..

Still have to set up my ‘incapacitated drawers’ that i’ll have nearby with a lot of my stuff in them during recovery. Have to finish cleaning, etc etc.

Anyway, it has definitely been a long day.

I talked to my friend who will be animal sitting and while talking, she mentioned something that really struck me. She pointed out that if I don’t do it now, not only am I facing a triple fusion, but I’m destroying my knees/hips..the structural defect means the whole house collapses in the end. And it hit me – I know it is true as my knees, which were never happy, have been complaining more and more. When I walk, my whole body twists….In other words, it is just a matter of time before I wear out other joints while putting off getting this one fixed.

So it was kind of a perspective shift – instead of looking at it as what I am losing/what I know I’m losing and what I may be losing…look at it as what I am saving/what I am preventing. As much as I don’t like the idea of any of this…how would I like to add on a knee reconstruction? Perhaps two knees?

This is reality. And this reality, sucks. But it is here. And with it, I have this issue…and to fix it, I have to get surgery. The surgery may result in my losing some things (of which – I’m not running anymore without surgery anyway..haven’t run in almost a year as it is), and I don’t have a say in that. But I do have a say in just how much is lost. And if I delay and delay and delay, I’m going to destroy a whole lot more than just my foot. So, I need to face it remembering that…Remembering that okay, I’m not doing this to ‘save’ my foot or so I can run again…I’m doing it to save my knees; my hips; my potential to hike some miles and bike yet more – even if I can no longer do what I once did..If I don’t do this soon, I am simply guaranteeing that I will never be able to do what I once did.

In other words, the surgery is a hope. A chance. And, more importantly to my mind, it is helping keep my knees as-is. Keep me able to bike happily (which even right now is a bit complaint filled). It is allowing me to keep something..or I can hold off. Limit my mobility to often pain laden walks of a few blocks here and there..occasionally push it beyond that and Pay for it after..for the rest of my life. That’s it. No more hikes. No more tromping for miles..That’s it. Without surgery, even with a brace, that’s it.. That’s all i get. So it’s a chance to get back something..and avoid the impending, spreading damage.

Of course I like this thought one moment and the next I say ‘well, that’s assuming it works and I don’t have nerve problems/crps/an odd gait that will mess with my knees etc etc etc…I really need to get those other thoughts to shut up. I really do.

anyway, I’m exhausted and have a pile to do so, I guess I shall sign off…hospital sign in at 5.30am. surgery at 7.30am.

With the endless onslaught of mixed emotions, it’s time to say goodbye to my monkey-toes..

pttd surgery