new year – day 101
Well, it is officially 2012. A new year.
Last year seemed to be the year of the foot. From the end of January on, there was something to do with my foot – my trying to take time off and follow RICE..it continuing to have issues…my having issues staying inactive and saying ‘screw it’ and carrying on despite the pain…the pain getting worse and worse…doctor appointments..and of course the last 4+months that have all been documented here.
So what does 2012 bring?
Well, despite the fact that it is merely a fictitious demarcation and is no different than deciding that as of June 27th @ 3:19pm, the following year would be different, I’ll play along with protocol and view it as a divisor…
2011 was the year of the foot…so, I dearly hope that 2012 becomes the year of full recovery and moving on.
I’m starting the year at the pain clinic (on the 3rd), so I’m off to a good start…I guess. I’d rather I were already be walking and increasing my distance/endurance etc etc. But, things being what they are, I will be able to start finding out what’s going on and what I can do about it…In other words, I’ll have a starting point to begin moving on; as opposed to now – where I’m kind of stuck in a vacuum.
As for the vacuum of now..My nerves do seem to be continuing their improvement of about a week ago – which is not to say that they are getting better and better – but that the original reduction in severity has continued. So, anything that went from a 7 to a 6 a week ago, continues at a 6 – but it’s not a 7, so despite the fact that I still feel plateaued in recovery, I am at least a step better in some respects.
The last few days, I’ve been walking the dogs twice a day for about 2 blocks with a boot and cane. I have the tendency while out that if it is not excruciating, I will keep going until it is. Which, is not always the best plan as it never becomes unbearable when I hit the front door – it does so when I’m still a block away as, brilliant me repeatedly thinks – hey, it doesn’t REALLLLy hurt after this block, let’s try another one.
So, yesterday I came home after 2 solid blocks feeling like there were 100 razors cutting deeply into my heel with each step. (Oddly, the largest burst of pain was when my heel would raise – not when it was bearing full weight). It didn’t feel like daggers or a knife – they are far too thick of an object with too little of a blade surface space..
But, I made it home..
And today, we did the gimpy walks again…again quite painful, but not to the point of razors – despite going around the same distance. So, perhaps that’s something?
I question giving up the scooter as it is quite expensive to keep, but I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to expand my distance and the dogs surely need more than two blocks. So for now, it remains…
It also seems that perhaps I have made some progress with the walking heel-toe-push-off with no boot and two crutches? I *think* I’m putting a bit more weight my foot while doing so than I was say two weeks ago..The pain is still intense – but, as mentioned, a little piece of the pain has shifted from sharp and shrill to a more tolerable feeling of arthritic stiffness/clenching/immobility..The latter of course isn’t where I’d like my foot to shift to long term, but as it’s a far more familiar feeling and is less all-encompassing-intense, for now it’s a change for the better.
Anyway, I’m not sure if I can do more weight than say a week ago, or simply am more okay with the amount of weight I have used since I first got out of the boot. Either way, it does seem that if I am making progress, unless something else helps along the way, it will be a good 1.5 months before I’m able to switch to one crutch..Better than never, I suppose.
Meanwhile, walking in the pool…Some days I get to perhaps 3.65’ others, I can’t get past 3.9’…but all days end the same – feeling pretty much stuck despite the fact that I’ve been in the pool for what now feels like forever.
The latter drags on me a bit as I’m used to pain..(or at least cause and effect reasonable levels of it, not cause and I’MGOINGTORESPONDLIKEYOUSTABBEDMEOVERANDOVERANDPOURED-SALTINITANDSETMEONFIREEVERYDAY pain) and as I’ve undoubtedly said, I push through it, ignore it, carry on despite it, breathe past it, accept it…I don’t let it stop me. But this…My usual methods of dealing, my usual defense, I get dragged down because none of what I know, none of how I have handled things successfully for my entire life, works.
In the pool, I hit 3.65’ and reach points where I say I DON’T CARE!! I’M GOING TO GO FURTHER! I DON’T CARE HOWMUCH IT HURTS!!! And I take that step and start to do the push-off and my knee collapses in agony. It’s not weakness…it has nothing to do with my significant lack of calf strength..it is 110% pure pain.
And then, not only am I left with trying to keep ‘walking what I can’…accepting limitations – and still walking instead of getting out of the pool because holy crap this is pointless…I’m left trying to keep my head up…trying push on mentally that yes, it has been..?6 weeks in the pool and yes, I really haven’t made …really any progress..at all…and yes, my normal mechanisms to get through such a situation are utterly useless…but I’m going to keep going…
It’s hard.
I don’t bother trying to cheerleader myself..I don’t get into that with myself as at this point, I could counter-point any cheerleading quite easily..Instead..it’s not up for discussion… And, sometimes, it’s hard.
So, yeah, 2012…maybe the new numbers on my checks and doctor forms and blog posts will offer a change of direction. Even if it takes longer than planned, if it happens, that’s good enough for me.
pttd surgery 
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