bitter – day 104
I have a lot to write…a lot of catching up to do.
I went to the pain clinic yesterday which took a while to digest (still in progress, i guess)…a big one I shall undoubtedly rant on is again opiates…The md there was blatantly anti-opiate from the second he opened his mouth..And it drives me nuts – black and white for or against – telling me i should blindly take them every day, several times a day, or blindly that they are evil and must be stopped…Not keen on either..
And very not excited when I say ok – I don’t need them if i have something that works. but, what if i switch to x drug and have breakthrough pain – what do i do?
The response – an NSAID gel or acetaminophen..
But NSAIDS and acetaminophen don’t do jack for me – if it’s at the point of taking something, i Need something..otherwise, i don’t take anything and just deal…
Well…the NSAID gel..
And here, you should take this SNRI that causes known physical dependency and is known to be atrocious to get off of…and is new so we have no idea long-term effects of it, but hey, right now, society says it’s good therefore it is…and opiates are evil.
yeah.
anyway, don’t want to spoil my whole rant! It wasn’t all bad…like i said, it was a lot to digest..i just didn’t get any version of comfort from the md there..and in reality, kind of was about to break down and cry over the whole thing as i left..but…pulled myself together and..carrying on..not much of a choice i suppose.
On the plus side, my nerves have continued being in an un-flared state which means I feel like I’m finally beginning to make some progress…Unfortunately, despite being out of a main flare, it seems i still have mini-flares such as today where i got out of nowhere attacked with pain..and though i don’t like it or want to admit it, it was going about 1/2 way up my leg – pushing the line of ‘anywhere below this line is subject to being hit’ to mid-calf (two weeks ago, it was pushed above my ankle..before that, it was around the ankle with just the little blip up high on my leg that has rare little shots here or there)..
i missed a dose of gabapentin yesterday due to my appointment. so, i’m hoping it was just from that and will be better tomorrow? in the meantime..not fun..and in the meantime so very close to taking an opiate today 🙂
and …for posterity’s sake, on the subject of pain..it sounds bonkers, i know. completely nutty. but, it has happened several times now in the last two weeks or so, so i guess i should mention it. There are times when i get dagger pain in my left foot – the ‘i swear i could tell you exactly where they cut the bone’ feeling – but it’s in the wrong foot..as well as other daggers…
as mentioned, i’ve had long term issues with that foot – but they’re not dagger issues…the dislocated toe – even with metatarsalgia or morton’s neuroma and the pulling of the third toe into a claw…and of course arthritis and all those associated pains…even the pains along the PTT..but most all of those are mid/forefoot pains and i know the pains…they are familiar..
i could be forgetting and i used to have these pains before at some point for some reason and i’m going with that for now, but if i were to let go of that thought then a giant wtf because i’m magically having hellish pains in the same spots in the wrong foot?
anyway, sounds crazy, like i said. but, also like i said long ago, i’m not writing this to sound like an angel.
on the subject, i did ask the md in passing if it was possible for the brain/spine to get confused and send the signal down the path for the other side (thinking perhaps the paths were *right* next to each other)..he said it would be very difficult – they do have one point where they will cross, but it is not an easy fluke..nonetheless, maybe my body is just a bit disoriented?..
ANYWAY
the point of the post – bitter
I saw an update to a PTTD post on Healthboards (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?p=4904583#post4904583) from someone who had surgery and they updated after two weeks of how lovely they’re doing..and again, like the above, i don’t want to write this acknowledge this, any of it..but my first response was utter bitterness – a “well la dee da fucking good for you”
Wow.
Wow.
What is up with that, I do not know. I might not always be milk and cookies shmoopy oooo i love everyone and i’m sooooo happy for you and everyone and that’s GREAT news!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
but i’m not/or rather never was …that nasty..seriously..my response…two months ago, i could see my mental response of huh..well, i guess that’s good to know that it does work for others..and hey, i can use it as hope that i’m just behind, but it’ll be good.. now though..pure automatic bile.
so yeah, like i said, a lot to say about the clinic meeting.but as one part of their multi-faceted program is dealing with pain issues with a psychologist, i definitely could use that because this whole thing is bad enough without me turning into a pile of ugly bitterness.
pttd surgery 
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